It was August in Arizona. To say it was hot would be an understatement. Yet there I stand in blue jeans while everyone else was wearing shorts. I didn’t even pack a bathing suit for the hotel pool because there was no way I was going to let my coworkers see my cellulite. I remember being so happy because my hotel room let out to a man-made pond where I could privately wade in the water each morning. Even then I did so with a little trepidation that someone would see me or my body.
And then I looked deeper into the picture and I saw something else.
One of the guys in the picture was single at the time living a fun bachelor life and now he’s a married stay at home dad of 3 kids. Another guy brought his wife along with us and now they are divorced. Lastly, my boss is in the picture, and she is no longer alive. As I looked at all of them and reminisced, I thought to myself, those are real things that happened to real people. This is the stuff that matters. The size of my thighs didn’t matter. How much fat I had or didn’t have didn’t matter when compared to real life events.
For the first time ever, I looked at myself in those pictures and I didn’t see anything wrong with my body at all. Even when looking at my wedding pictures I was able to judge my body in some way! But that day, I don’t know. I looked at those pictures and I instantly remembered how happy I was on that trip. I looked at my body and I thought, “What was I so stressed about? I look good!” Did I have large thighs? Yes. But that’s my body type. That’s me. Ain’t no changing that and why should I want to? It’s beautiful. It’s me. I looked like me.
So why am I now able to see myself in such a different light? Maybe it’s because I’m so much bigger now after having my baby. Or maybe it’s because I have so much more reverence for my body, this beautiful creature that, by the grace of God, carried and labored a baby into this world. I’m going to criticize it for carrying some extra weight? No. I don’t think so. It’s time for some deep forgiveness. I must apologize to her for all the time I’ve wasted blaming her for being the “wrong size”.
I’m sad for all the moments of joy that I stole from myself when I was consumed by my weight obessession instead of being 100% in the moment but I’m grateful for new found growth.
So how do I forgive myself? How do I fall in love with my body now so that I never waste another moment of joy on weight obsession?
There’s a song that comes to mind:
Like I’m Gonna Lose You by Megan Trainor and John Legend.
I listened to the song for hours. I thought I was listening because it was speaking to me about my relationship with my husband. But then I realized it was speaking to me about my relationship with my body. And finally it all came full circle.
So this is how I’m going to fall in deep love with my body. I’m going to live the words of this song. I welcome you to download the song from Amazon here-Like I’m Gonna Lose You . And listen to it as you read the rest of this post
I found myself dreaming
In silver and gold
Like a scene from a movie
That every broken heart knows
We were walking on moonlight
And you pulled me close
Split second and you disappeared
And then I was all alone
Me and My Body: – looking at all those happy moments in those pictures, seemed like only yesterday and eons ago at the same time. Time is fleeting, we have none to waste. I must show my body love everyday because I don’t know how many days we have left together.
I woke up in tears
With you by my side
A breath of relief
And I realized
No, we’re not promised tomorrow
Me and My Body: – My boss died of cancer x years after that photograph was taken. Life is too short. I can’t waste anymore time being unhappy about how my body looks when I can see how it keeps me healthy every day. Nothing is more important than my health and my body gives me that.
In the blink of an eye
Just a whisper of smoke
You could lose everything
The truth is you never know
So I’ll kiss you longer, baby
Any chance that I get
I’ll make the most of the minutes
And love with no regrets