[BODY REVOLUTION – DAY 36 – OCTOBER 13, 2015]
My mouth still hurts. I can’t eat solids. It’s “that time of the month” again and let’s top it all off with a little sinus headache, shall we? AND YET, I got up and did Workout 5 (Body Revolution) this morning. It hurt, I wanted to sleep in but still, I did it.
Yesterday I went back and forth via text with my little brother who I’m planning on visiting next weekend. I wanted to make sure that he has a device that I can use to play my Body Revolution dvds. I’m flying so I can’t take weights with me so I asked him if he could bring some home from the gym he works. I made all the preparations I needed to make sure I don’t miss a single day of workouts.
This upcoming weekend I was supposed to go out of town and visit a friend. She moved and lives in a much smaller place so working out at her house would be a little challenging. Plus, I still have the mouth issue so I’d need to either bring supplies with me or stop at a grocery store -which I have done before but still – more obstacles. I decided to only go for one day and drive back the same day or very early the next morning that way I won’t worry about any of it.
Last Wednesday after I got my tooth pulled, I got in the car and went directly to Trader Joe’s to make sure that I had the frozen fruit and almond milk I needed to make my smoothies before the pain kicked in.
Always thinking ahead; making preparations; trying my best to anticipate every event that might deter me from my goal. And I have to ask myself, why? Why do I care so much? Why is losing weight so important to me? And why is it so much important now than it ever has been before?
I’ll start with the first part of that question – Why is losing weight so important to me?
Why is losing weight so important to me?
Of course I have some simple more obvious “whys”: I want to wear single digit jean sizes. I want to wear a swimsuit and not be embarrassed. As Jillian Michaels so eloquently put it – I want to have sex with lights on!
And if I go a little deeper, I have my health “whys”: I want to age well. I don’t want to be in pain for 20 years because I didn’t take care of myself. I wrote about this in the post, “Why We Care So Much. Why Fight So Hard“.
And yet, when I dig deep down and I get real honest, and I think about what really motivates me above all else. Then we get to my truest “whys”:
Why is losing weight really so important to me?
Quite simply I believe that I am destined to do great things. Important things. World changing things. That’s not me being conceited, that is me believing that God has a plan for all of us. And that we have all been given special gifts. I believe that the time and energy I spend on eating and overeating, and thinking about overeating – this time could be better spent on doing good work in this world. I spend so much time thinking about losing weight that I don’t have time to think about the ultimate question – “what am I meant to be doing in this life?” I haven’t given myself the time to answer this question. And I want badly to answer this question. So I must lose this weight and fix my relationship with food so that I can get back to the business of truly living.
Now, the second question. Why is this goal of losing weight so much more important now than it ever has been before?
Because I’m 34. I want to be a mother. And the clock is ticking! Now sure, I can tell you that the reasons why I haven’t had a kid yet are because I wasn’t emotionally ready and I needed to make more money and be in a better house and I wanted to be married for 5 years first, etc. And that is all true. But if we’re being honest – and on this blog we always are – all of those reasons take a backseat to the #1 reason. I am terrified of getting pregnant before I have learned how to control my weight.
I have two basic fears. The first fear is in my deep belief that if I don’t learn how to exist at my ideal weight now before I get pregnant, then my body won’t have that memory. Like muscle memory, I believe that my body would do much better to have a point of reference to get back to. And I need to have all of the habits of a thin person instilled in me such that I behave that way as if it were second nature to me after I have the baby. It will have to be automatic, something I don’t even think about, I just do it, because I won’t have time to think about it – because I’ll have a newborn. And no goal, to me, is more worthy of my focus and attention than being a good mother. I need my time, and my mind free to concentrate on being a mother. I won’t have time for this weight loss obsession that has consumed my life for so many years.
The second fear is that if I don’t learn how to have a healthy relationship with food now and I enter into motherhood, I fear that I will teach my child the same unhealthy behaviors. And the thought of passing that on to the next generation makes me so sad and fearful. This fear runs in tandem with one of my greatest hopes. I have a dream of raising a child that has a beautiful, natural relationship with food that is balanced and healthy. I dream that he/she never associates food with anything but love and nutrition and the bounties of the earth. And in this way, my weight loss goal has taken on a much bigger purpose because not only will it free me, but it will free my children. I’m doing it for the next generation.
These are my “Whys”. What are your “whys”?
(See menu today on next page)
My “slurping” menu today (no honey!):
Breakfast: Virgin Diet Smoothie
2 cups of tea with unsweetened almond milk
Lunch – 2 teaspoons of peanut butter; Virgin Diet Smoothie
2 cups of tea with unsweetened almond milk
After work – 1 coconut yogurt; 1 teaspoon of peanut butter
Dinner – Virgin Diet Smoothie
Dessert – Chocolate/Raspberry sorbet – 1 1/2 servings